There’s a bit of an escape hatch here: you can use “Procedures” in the server. As of this week’s release they are still in Beta (the documentation warns that the API may change in the future). They do allow you run expensive code, including HTTP requests, so that’s a good thing. From inside a procedure, you can open a transaction, which again acquires the global mutex and doesn’t allow any other concurrent writes nor reads to the database, so make sure you commit it very very quickly or the whole system will stall.
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# Extract top bottleneck kernels